Foundation of a good and happy marriage
A good and happy marriage makes you younger and healthier for longer.
A happy and good marriage is based on the following:
Caring is different from smothering your spouse with love. Caring is loving and understanding, and putting yourself in the other’s shoes to see the other’s point of view.
Caring is developing sensitivity to the fact that your marriage partner has very different needs from your own.
Always commit yourself to changing yourself first, rather than your spouse. If you cannot change yourself, do not expect your spouse to change. Also, if he does not choose to change, any manipulative behavior, commanding, or nagging will not bring about changes in your spouse.
Commit yourself with your spouse, in the beginning of a marriage, to establishing a common value system or priorities, upon which both of you will base your future decision-making, especially with regard to money matters.
Communication is sharing both feelings and thoughts with your marriage partner.
Communicate with confidence, not with sarcasm or venom. Remember, the tongue is “a restless evil, full of deadly poison.” (James: 3:8-10)
Communicate in a timely manner. Timing is important: you can say the right thing at the wrong time, and miss the mark.
Communicate your heartfelt feelings: express you needs and wants in a specific yet non-demanding way to your spouse.
Make a list of your love needs—which must be specific, achievable, and not requiring much time or money e.g. watching a favorite TV program together.
Communicate with appreciation and wisdom.
For example, regarding forgetting your birthday and wedding anniversary, do the following:
Let him know your feelings about these dates.
Start a family calendar as a casual reminder of important dates in your life.
If he remembers them, show your appreciation; if he doesn’t, don’t punish him.
Communicate with honest sharing of feelings. Affirm your spouse whenever he shares his feelings with you. This promotes openness and sharing of feelings.
Communicate with understanding to a passive listener or a reluctant communicator.
Most men are passive listeners: to acquire his unique personality, a boy learns not to listen to his parents as he grows up into adulthood.
To communicate effectively, do the following:
State precisely how you feel and what you want.
Be selective, and prioritize you needs.
Refrain from nagging or lecturing.
To many women, talking things out will make a relationship work; to many men, continuing to talk things over means the relationship is not working. Therefore, understanding this glaring gender difference may put you in a difference perspective when communicating with your spouse.
Dealing with marital conflicts
Marital conflicts are bound to occur in any marriage due to the complexity of human personality and the difficulty in satisfying some of the basic human needs.
Decline in sexual desire or frequency
Drop-off in post-marital sexual desire is common in marriages due to the concern of sexual performance on your partner. Unlike you, he cannot fake sex. So he may resort to decreasing the frequency to avoid the frequency of poor performance. Understanding this male psychology may give you better perspective when it comes to sexual matters in a marriage, especially in a young marriage.
To help your partner overcome his lack of confidence or interest, give him plenty of compliments, not criticism, during and after the sexual act. Be patient, and more importantly, be honest with your own needs. Compromising your own sexual needs may lead to frustration, which may subsequently be reflected in undesirable marital behaviors.
If you want him to act like a young man, you have to begin acting like a young woman to him yourself.
On the other hand, if sex is a lower priority in your marriage, it is your choice, too.
Always choose a more effective total behavior that gets your needs satisfied.
Copyright© by Nora Wise